Awful Monkey

Be prepared. This does not simply mean having batteries, toilet paper, a radio, and some candles. You have to prepare for every instance no matter how unlikely or bizarre they may seem. Here are some helpful guides to keep you ahead of the game. I did not write these descriptions by the way; they are credited accordingly and provided by Amazon.com.

The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead In this outrageous parody of a survival guide, Saturday Night Live staff writer Brooks prepares humanity for its eventual battle with zombies. One would expect the son of Mel Brooks to have a genetic predisposition to humor, and indeed, he does, and he exhibits it relentlessly here: he outlines virtually every possible zombie-human encounter, drafts detailed plans for defense and attack and outlines past recorded attacks dating from 60,000 B.C. to 2002. In planning for that catastrophic day when "the dead rise," Brooks urges readers to get to know themselves, their bodies, their weaponry, their surroundings and, just in case, their escape routes. Some of the book's more amusing aspects are the laughable analyses Brooks proposes on all aspects of zombiehood, and the specificity with which he enumerates the necessary actions for survival-i.e., a member of an anti-zombie team must be sure to have with him at all times two emergency flares, a signaling mirror, daily rations, a personal mess kit and two pairs of socks. Comic, though unnecessarily exhaustive, this is a good bet for Halloween gag gifts and fans of Bored of the Rings-esque humor. 100 line drawings. From Publishers Weekly Copyright 2003 Reed Business Information, Inc.

How To Survive a Robot Uprising: Tips on Defending Yourself Against the Coming Rebellion In this uncomfortably humorous survival guide, Wilson, a Ph.D. candidate at the Robotics Institute of Carnegie Mellon University, reminds readers that "any machine could rebel, from a toaster to a Terminator," and though the forms our future robot enemies may take are manifold, they each have exploitable weaknesses that, fortuitously, match our natural human strengths. So, if a two-legged android gives chase, seek out a body of water, as "most robots will sink in water or mud and fall through ice." It also may be a good idea to carry around a pair of welder's goggles, as lasers will likely be robot attackers' weapons of choice, and even a weak laser can cause blindness. Options for fighting back are plentiful, though not everyone will be relieved to learn the standard kitchen microwave can be retrofitted into a radiation gun that can destroy electronics and "cook human flesh." (Instructions for such a project are not included.) Humorous and informative-Wilson drops robotics history trivia nuggets and includes brief descriptions of current robot research-this nifty little guide to surviving the inevitable robot apocalypse may have you reconsidering purchasing that "smart" (read: insidious) refrigerator. From Publishers Weekly Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

The Government Manual for New Superheroes The Government Manual for New Superheroes is a hilarious, mock-official handbook that offers thorough, accessible, and completely zany advice for anyone who has always dreamed of donning a skintight spandex uniform and leaping across the rooftops of their cities. Going well beyond tights and capes, this manual provides insight into choosing a name, constructing a costume, choosing the right supertools of the supertrade, establishing a base of operations, maintaining a secret identity, taking or becoming a sidekick, joining a superheroic team, and even finding that special someone who gives meaning to a superhero's life-a nemesis. Extra features include a roster of superhero unions, a registration application, several useful charts and tips, and even a list of other government-sponsored periodicals for further reading. Destined to become a cult classic, The Government Manual for New Superheroes is an essential guide for every aspiring superhero. Description provided by Amazon editorial.

Real Ultimate Power: The Official Ninja Book Dear Stupid Idiots, A lot of you have been saying that I don't know anything about REAL ninjas. But that's a bunch of bull crap! You dummies don't know anything. And maybe YOU should get a life. I bet a lot of you have never even seen a girl naked! You idiots believe that ninjas had some "code of honor." Yeah right! If by "code of honor," you mean "code to flip out and go nuts for absolutely no reason at all even if it means that people might think you are totally insane or sweet," then you are right. But if you mean a "code to be nice and speak nicely while sharing and not cutting off heads," then you're the biggest idiot ever!!!!!! So if you have any brains, you will shut up and get a life. So go shut up, you stupid idiot. No thank you, Robert Hamburger Description provided by the author.

Posted by xKinetiCx at 08:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I haven't had much time to update lately because I've been pretty busy(read: lazy). So I figured I'd write a nice long update today.

I've been reading quite a bit this past month. Not just the SA Forums, but quite a few more books and magazines than usual. I don't have television and I honestly haven't watched one of my DVDs in months(despite having bought a couple dozen more). I guess I just can't get immersed in visual stimuli as of late. I'm still trudging along through Guests of the Ayatollah, but that's my night time reading before I go to bed. At work, and whenever I'm bored around the house, I've really gotten into reading short stories. Specifically mysteries. I've subscribed to a few magazines recently, including Ellery Queens Mystery Magazine and Alfred Hitchcock Mystery Magazine. I've also started picking up The Strand, which was the periodical that Sir Arthur Conan Doyle originally published the Sherlock Holmes mysteries(nifty little factoid!). I've long been a fan of mystery novels and movies, especially Sherlock Holmes(I grew up watching Sherlock Holmes, Miss Marple, Hercule Poirot, Cadfael, and other PBS Masterpiece Theatre mysteries with my folks). I really enjoy these short mysteries because I can equate it to sitting down and watching a sitcom when I'm bored. I can just pick one of these up and read for a little bit when I'm bored or have some down time at work. I'm keeping an eye out for larger compilations of these types of stories, so if you have any suggestions, please leave a comment.

Rekindling my love of mysteries and reading has dredged up a long held regret of mine. Many people don't know this about me and would actually be quite surprised if I told them, but I've always wanted to be a writer. Those of you that know me are probably thinking, "But you hated writing and English courses when you were in School!" That's true, I always hated learning the mechanics of written language, but I have always had an insatiable interest in literature. Does the fact that I love to read give me the ability to write well? No, certainly not. But it is something I've always longed to do. A few years ago, I actually wrote out the outline of a novel I wanted to to begin work on, and I drafted the first chapter for it. But, due to my job, and frequent moving, that desire was left wanting. From time to time I get an itch to start back up on this project, but I never feel like I can dedicate the amount of time it deserves. I guess I'll just have to stick to writing this blog. But there's a difference between chronicling my life's experiences, and telling a truly great story. Oh well, I suppose it's something I'll have to wait to do when I retire.

Other than my renewed passion for reading and pining to become a novelist, I've mostly been busy at work getting ready to get underway again. Everyone is churning and burning getting all last minutes items taken care of so we'll be ready to go. I took this week off from work so I could get all my matters in order and not feel rushed when it's time to go. I am definitely feeling more relaxed this time than the gut wrenching anxiety I felt before the last patrol. I'm not moving, finding an apartment, starting a new job, squaring away my car, and preparing to go on my first three month voyage within a two week period. I'm surprised I didn't have a nervous break down! This time it should be much smoother sailing for me. I'm qualified at my jobs, I'm acclimated to boat life, and I know the day-to-day routines. I'm actually looking forward to our upcoming patrol.

Another happy note, my last bass arrived today thanks to my Dad. I can finally hang them all up in my living room and not have it look awkward. I've decided to take a couple pictures of the decorations in my living room. Note that they are all kind of close up shots because my apartment is a bit messy right now and I didn't really feel like cleaning up before taking the photos.

My basses displayed

My monkey band and samurai

Couple of trinkets from Asia

Posted by xKinetiCx at 05:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)